After a discussion with my girlfriend about varying types of delicious types of candy, I asked my Twittersphere (just saying that makes me feel like a tool) what their favorite types of candy were. Surprisingly, no one said my favorite. Let’s go down the responses.
@RedConfession likes Nerds. I don’t like Nerds in my old age because they taste weird. They’re too tiny to have any substantial flavor, so you have to eat a bunch of them, and the boxes I usually come across (the tiny Halloween-sized boxes; I have never ever gone out of my way to buy a box of Nerds) usually have enough flavor to last me all of 30 seconds. My candy needs to sustain my craving for sweet!
@JerryArr has a propensity for Starbursts. I do like Starbursts, and find myself eating them quite often (and eating a large quantity thereof, leading to nothing but bellyaches). Starbursts, however, can sometimes be time-consuming due to the fact that the wrappers will stick to the candy and become devilishly impossible to undo. They say that undoing Starburst wrappers with your tongue means you’re a good kisser. I can’t do it, and I’m a fine kisser, so poop on you, Starburst. Don’t judge my romantic prowess.
@loudserenity likes Snickers. I don’t like the taste of nuts (yeah, yeah) but I dislike Snickers even more for their terrible, groan-worthy, pun-driven advertising campaign. Look at this stupid shit. Pledge Sigma Nougat? Night Classes at the Chewniversity? We fucking get it, Snickers. You can eat Snickers anywhere. I couldn’t give a flying fuck at some rolling nougat. Fuck off.
@chairmanchico fancies Now and Laters. When I was kid (a rather impatient kid), I used to sharpen my teeth on the rock-hard Now portion of the Now and Later, not realizing that the warming, disgusting nether regions of my inner mouth were set to magically transform the vaguely-fruit-flavored square cobblestone of candy in my mouth to a smooth, palatable, malleable piece of deliciousness. The fact that this process takes as much time as opening up an Airhead and eating it, I’ll have to say “see you later” to Now and Laters.
@zeus006 enjoys the taste of Warheads. Warheads, for those who don’t live in the ghetto and don’t buy your candy from a corner store that also sells Hugs, Homegirls chips, or “napkins”, Warheads are cheap little candies that pack a wallop of sour flavor into a pill-sized candy lozenge. I never enjoyed the feeling of having my cheeks involuntarily suck into my mouth, which is also involuntarily puckering because the sour-sensing tastebuds in my mouth have decided to retreat to the utmost parts of my esophagus. In fact, there are few other candies that actually have disclaimers noting: “WARNING: Eating multiple pieces within a short time period may cause a temporary irritation to sensitive tongues and mouths.” If eating candy will fucking burn the inside of my mouth off, pass. (As an aside, fuck you guys who put hot sauce on everything. You won’t be able to taste a goddamn thing once you turn 40.)
@evc1989 enjoys Reese’s Pieces. She is very close to one of my favorites. Peanut butter and chocolate are one of those eternal couples that should enjoy a long stay in our nation’s traditions, like apple pie and vanilla ice cream, baseball and cracker jack, or Douche and Douchette. However, these alien-attracting M&M imitations don’t do me justice because one regular bag isn’t enough peanut butter to go around, and one big bag is too much (and no, I don’t have self-control; why do you ask?). Once the Hershey corporation can create a “just right” for Little Asian Goldilocks me over here, then they’ll bump up in my list.
Among the protected Twitters that I can’t link to, two votes come in for Kit Kat bars (tasty, but in the immortal words of Mitch Hedberg: “The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique”) and one vote comes in for chocolate-covered cherries (I don’t like cherries, and the only fruit that I enjoy ensconced in chocolate is strawberries). That said, for shame, Twitter. You missed the obvious answer.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, you fools! The world’s greatest candy ever. The perfect blend of smooth, creamy peanut butter lovingly embraced by a firm yet smooth chocolate shell. If you look at it closely, it looks like a cute little crown, and one peanut butter cup can be eaten as slowly or as quickly as necessary, with the same result: absolute satisfaction. Even the funky variations of Peanut Butter Cups that Hershey comes out with, like the Big Cup or the Limited Edition Elvis-branded Peanut Butter and Banana ones, are tasty and well-thought-out.
A close second would be Take 5 bars, which @addictedx said was her favorite in person, because she’s an indecisive, persnickity-ass fuckwad and couldn’t answer me on Twitter. The Take 5 bar is purely American; a lesson in excess. Peanuts, caramel, pretzels, peanut butter and milk chocolate, in two 2-bite bars. Some may consider the tastes to be purely disgusting together (salty, sticky, crunchy, gooey and melty is either a Take 5 bar or the first time I had sex) but those with more refined palettes consider the Take 5 bar to be one of the tastiest candies in existence. If you haven’t tried one, please pick one up. They are tasty.
What’s your favorite candy? Leave a comment!