Washington, DC— As the American economy dips to its most dire point since the Great Depression, the Obama campaign is looking to make the previously lavish presidential inaugural galas more economically friendly. Arthur Franklin, the newly-elected head of the Obama Inaugural Committee, says that in this fiscally tight period in the nation’s history, the Commander-in-Chief-elect will be taking a lower-key approach to the traditional gala. “As we’ve shown throught the election process, the Obama administration is dedicated to using modern, down-to-earth tactics to the traditional presidency.” Today, invitations to the only Inaugural gala, held on the White House Lawn, have been sent to a select number of Obama’s friends on the popular social networking site, Facebook.
The Obama Inaugural Committee will be cutting costs throughout the party planning process. “This is probably going to be a BYOB thing, but we’ll try to pick up a couple cases,” said Franklin. “We’ll get the good shit, no Natty Lite or anything.” White House staff have confirmed that over 5,000 red Solo cups have been purchased for use at the Obama gala, and an Obama aide, speaking under promise of anonymity, noted that “we’ll play flip cup, beer pong and if someone can find the deck of cards and [newly-appointed White House Counsel] Greg [Craig] can remember the rules, him, me and [Vice President-elect Joseph] Biden are gonna start a game of Kings, or maybe Fuck the Dealer or something. Who has the ping pong balls?”
Dr. Reynold Jamison, professor of history at Georgetown University, says that these low-key galas were commonplace at the turn of the 20th century. “In 1909, William Howard Taft’s inaugural bala consisted of eight Mexican whores, a bottle of rum, and a piñata. The New York Times reported that Vice President James Sherman’s son Felipe was allegedly concieved there. If you compare that to the largesse of later galas, such as Ronald Reagan’s 2nd inaugural ball, where the Reflecting Pool at the base of the Washington Monument was converted to a chocolate fountain, you start to see the attitude of grandiosity that affected this nation.”
A return to simpler, more fiscally responsible times may be a trademark of the Obama administration. Staffers close to the president noted that in order to recooperate costs incurred by the gala, a $5 cover charge will be administered at the door. “However,” one aide said, “if a fine-ass lady walks up, we’ll always waive the cover. Hand her a cup and let her walk right in. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think Pelosi’s picking up a couple kegs.”